I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
