Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
