oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?