She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.