If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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