Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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