The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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