Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
