I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
