you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
