just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
