im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
