I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
my being single is dangerous.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
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