Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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