Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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