I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
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