Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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