before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
