My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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