textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
false alarm, still single
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