Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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