people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
