This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
