zippers are such a cool invention
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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