last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
