I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
