Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
