If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
