Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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