Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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