I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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