I wish I could punch you in the face.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Randomize
