Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
