He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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