i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
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