Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Randomize
