i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
All I want is dick and wine.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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