The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
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