so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
