I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
