I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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