Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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