that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
