I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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