I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
