Screwed.edu
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
i need some magic done to my vagina
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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