I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
