you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
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