come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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