Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
