nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
