Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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