oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
