by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
