Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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