I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i wish my penis had a tongue
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
