remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
