Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
