he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Randomize
