im six kinds of drunk right now
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Im just a social blackout drinker.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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