70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
