I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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